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STANDSTILL
The snowfall, at first gentle, became heavier steadily. The young detective stood at the platform shivering, the train was already half an hour too late. But she did not notice how much time went by, did not recognize what happened around her. She was beside herself stared into space, since she left the prison in the afternoon. She just functioned like a machine, took the bus to the station in Erfurt, waited at the red traffic light and moved on when it changed to green and finally arrived at the platform where the train should depart to bring her home. She was not even aware of the cold, rather it was like she was freezing from inside.
The new year was only ten years old. Just as that fateful day in November this day had started like an ordinary day. But often in life things go different. Eventually her telephone rang in the forenoon and a man from the prison, where Robert served his sentence, told her, he was dead. Dead? Was he diseased? No, he committed suicide. He has no relatives; yes she knew. But why did he call her of all people? He had written a letter, whether she wanted to come over and collect it as well as the few things he owned. Yes.
Finally the ICE-train arrived at the station, 45 minutes late. It was filled to overflowing. She looked for her seat like she was in trance. Luckily it wasn't taken, there were people for whom a reservation didn't matter. Being forced to stand during the whole travel she wouldn't have overcome, her legs had turned to jelly. A fat, tall man in the middle age sat on the seat next to hers. It seemed he had slept until now, supposedly that was why nobody dared to address him. But fortunately he was awake now, stood up to let her pass. Afterwards he sat down and shut his eyes again. That was perfect, she wasn't in the mood to talk with somebody anyway. Her seat was the small dark corner she needed to retreat. The train brought up to speed, the blizzard had become more violent. Again she sank into thought.
She was fond of detective stories and series, but she never imagined becoming involved in a real murder one day.
She remembered how it all began. She remembered this day at the beginning of November last year, the day she met Robert for the first time and the day she became a detective herself. The murder occurred at a big mall at Monday noon. She had a holiday and went to look for Christmas presents, before the great rush in December. She didn't intend to seek evidence, that indicated the culprit, but came across it. It wasn't as easy as in a novel to make the police listen to her conclusions. Nevertheless she made it and finally convicted Robert of the murder.
Cornered by her he admitted the action. The victim had been his boss, with whom he took lunch together with some colleagues. He poisoned him. The reason was revenge for his parent's death. His boss bankrupt his father's company, he lost everything: his business, his wealth, his house. As last resort Robert's father committed suicide and took his wife with him. But he hadn't the heart to murder his own, only four year old son. This way Robert was orphaned, people told him, his parents had died in an accident. Later he was adopted by a family and got a new name.
By chance he started to work as secretary for the man, of all people, who caused his father to commit suicide. At first Robert had no clue and everything went fine. But someday his boss began to treat him like a doormat. Despite from doing a good job, he was never satisfied with Robert, he made life miserable for him. What helped Robert to overcome this, was the love of a young woman, his boss' niece. But the woman of his heart married another man and disappeared from his life. She never told him, that she had been forced into this marriage.
One day, when his boss got drunk, everything was revealed. That the death of Robert's parents had not been an accident, too. His boss ridiculed his father and himself, called both a lame duck. Robert wanted to resign, but his boss possessed more power and influence. He undid every chance to find another job, didn't let him go. Thus Robert planned to kill the man, who had destroyed his family and love and know even tried to ruin his career.
This was his guilty plea, which he confessed in tears. Although there was no excuse for murder, he had a comprehensible reason to do it. She sympathised with him, she was sorry for him.
The snow storm blustered worse. The train drove more slowly for some time. Now it stopped entirely. A common murmur and whisper went through the wagon. Everybody wondered what the reason for the stop might be. The young detective looked out of the window. It snowed so hard it seemed like a wall. An announcement of the staff informed the passengers, that the train could not drive on because of technical breakdown, but they were trying their best, to solve the problem as soon as possible. Terrific! The man, who sat next to her, opened his eyes for a short moment and listened to the announcement. Seemingly he did not mind, leaned back in his seat to sleep.
In contrast to the statement of the official on telephone, when he spoke of a letter, they gave her a whole bunch of letters. She rummaged for them in her handbag. She wondered all the time, why they hadn't simply send them to her. After all they had called her after his death. So why had nobody asked her earlier, if it was ok Robert writing to her. By now she hadn't viewed the letters, not to mention read them. She was afraid, because she didn't know what awaited her. Would he accuse her, because she convicted him and thus put him behind bars? Was she bear to blame for his suicide? Theses thoughts bothered her since she got the news of his death and weighed her soul.
Her fingers tremulous she removed the elastic strap, that hold the letters together. On the envelopes she read in a fine handwriting: “To the you detective”. She opened the first envelope, therein lay only a single squared sheet of paper. Slowly she folded the sheet open and read trembling what was written on the page.
Thanks!
That was it. For an eternity she looked at this one word. Thanks! Not just the train, but the whole world around her seemed to be standing still. Maybe for the thousandth time on this day she heard the word “Don't let go, never give up it's such a wonderful life“, because the song played in an infinite loop all the time. But for the first time she really assimilated them consciously.
After his confession Robert seemed to be eased. He wasn't a bad guy. Before the policemen hauled him off, he went to her, put his arms around her and thanked her. At that time she hadn't known, what it was, he was thankful for. Now she shut her and again she felt his embrace; it had been one of this magical moments she would never forget. When he finally had to leave he had said: “I hope we'll meet again someday.” And now he was dead.
The feeling of guilt, that bothered her ever since, decreased slowly and she opened her heart. At last she was able to put the letter back into the envelope and open the next one, wondering what else Robert wanted to tell her.
I really would like to know your name. You seem to be so far away I can never reach you. But at the same time you are so close. Most likely you don't have an idea of it.
I wonder what you think about me, a murderer? Do you hate for what I did? Please believe me, I regret it to the core. But no, you won't hate me. Your eyes were full of gentleness and compassion.
Do you know, how much you resemble “her”? The same colour of the hair, the same eyes...
According to the date, he had written the first two letters during the remand. She took the next envelope, the letter dated on the day after the judgement had been delivered.
The assigned counsel can't understand, why I don't want to appeal. He's of the opinion the judgement is too rigorous. But I swore to myself, to accept any penalty.
I'm sure, you think like I do.
She read all the letters one by one and got more and more sad. There was no sign in his words, that he intended to commit suicide. He rather seemed to have been full of hope and life, just like you wanted to start brand-new, as soon as he served the sentence. So why? Why did such a wonderful person have to die? Because he was truly wonderful. How much she wished to would really got to know him. She arrived at the last letter. It was much longer than the others before. Even though “To the young detective” was written on the envelope, he named her different in the letter.
Dear Darling,
Surely you are wondering, how I could call you this way, for I don't know you. But I can't forget you, since I met you at the shopping centre. It's not only because of the resemblance to her.
I will never see you again and barely hope, you will ever receive my letters. Nevertheless I'm sure you will be sad, when you get to know I'm dead. Please don't cry. And don't blame yourself.
I'm the one to blame. I can't bare the guiltiness, even after I served my sentence.
The Christmas Holidays and New Year can become very long and lonely in prison, one has plenty of time to think. I did everything wrong! Although he deserved to die, I should never have stooped so low.
Even if there were a slight chance you would wait for me or I would meet someone else like her or you, I would not be worth it.
Therefore I decided to leave.
Thank you for being there that day. You opened my eyes. How could I ever believe, I was to become happy by this crime. It's like I was under a spell and you released me.
Maybe we'll meet one day in heaven, when God forgives my sins. Then I'll be as pure as the snow outside the window, as pure as you.
Forgive me!
Love, Robert.
Her blood ran cool, as if she was surrounded by icicles. But the tear running down her cheek was warm. Her heart felt so heavy, as if it was to burst the next moment. He was a fool; no human was free from faults. Nobody! At least herself. How could he fall in love so easily? Although he didn't know her, he knew her so well.
But she was already bound. And at the moment she was longing to be at home, to sink into her boyfriend's arms and cry. The song started again. At last she took the repeat out. She didn't want to hear it once more. Why had he lost hope? In some respects she was guilty as well, she couldn't deny it. She looked out of the window at the white snow. It was still snowing, but the storm eased a bit.
Finally the train went on with a spluttering jerk. Carefully she put the letters back into her handbag. The song faded, for the last time she heard the words “Don't let go”. A new song started “Don't cry now, you know it happens to the best of us...” The world kept turning, but Robert had a place in her heart forever.
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